After I found out that I had more blood clots in my abdomen last week, I wrote an e-mail to my editor. I had just received the news a few hours before and you can sense my frustration in the note. My editor said that it is obvious I’m upset, but that there are also parts of the e-mail that he thought might be encouraging to others who suffer with chronic pain or illness. I’m sharing part of the e-mail here in hopes that someone might benefit from this in some small way.

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I am still feeling awful. Â They are still running tests. Â I am probably going to go home tomorrow and be managed on an outpatient basis. Â They are relatively certain that this is a blood clotting issue, which is horrible. Â I had “numerous” new clots in my abdominal area and in the veins that go to my legs. Â This is why I’ve felt so much worse since September and particularly the past couple of weeks. Â This is VERY bad news. Â I was hoping it was NOT related to the clotting problem because this means that (a) it is not easily fixable, (b) it requires long term treatment with medicine that causes me migraines and other bad side effects, and (c) I am sicker than I’ve wanted to admit. Â

I did some research after I had Hannah and discovered that the average life expectancy after a major clotting episode like the one I had was about 7 years.  Hannah is almost 6.  I just REALLY didn’t want this to be related to my blood.  If the problems were pregnancy related, we could avoid future problems by not getting pregnant.  Now that I’ve had another non-pregnancy related episode, I think the doctors may be correct in assessing that I am going to have long term issues with this and it probably has substantially limited my life span - to put it quite bluntly.  I realize only God is in control of that issue, but there is only so much a body can take. I think if I hadn’t had pain medicine five years ago to alleviate some of the pain I was in, my body would have shut down then. It is astonishing how much pain blood clots cause.

So I am very depressed. Â I’m frustrated. Â I’m mad. Â I’m sad. Â I’m trying to deal with the pain and also all the emotional issues I’m dealing with. Â I want to live. Â I want to raise my children. Â I want to travel to Europe with my husband one day. Â I want to be a good friend and a great writer. Â There is so much more to write, to do, to see, to enjoy. Â I told you before that my life has been more full since I had Hannah just because I do LIVE like I’m dying. Â Perhaps God wanted to remind me to live like that again and perhaps others around me might appreciate their lives just a teeny bit more when they realize that it could all be taken away. Â People NEED to live fully while they can. Â It’s a waste not to do so.

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I had to stop writing after that because the pain was bad and I needed to rest, as I do now as well. I’ll try to put another update on this later, but for now, I can say that I serve a mighty God and if I can glorify him in some way through this suffering, then I consider it a blessing that I’ve been allowed to do so. It is horrible and I don’t “like” it, but at the same time I am willing to be a part of God’s plan no matter what the cost. So little is asked of us and we are spoiled or possibly just complacent, but when something like this happens, we really have a choice - are we going to give glory to God, who is still the same today as He was last week before I found out that I still have the problems OR are we going to curse the creator and question why we’re sick. I have simply chosen the first option. God has allowed this to happen for a reason.

Sonya

www.thehomeschooladvocate.com